Meet the band

This is Ben, known as "Guitar Maestro" (this is down to the fact that his entire collection of guitars was bought from Maplin Electronics using his debit card).

Ben is sadly now separated from his favourite boxing glove, and can be found on cold, lonely and foggy nights co-habiting with a mysterious couple named Elspeth and Nathaniel near the frog-pools on the edge of Morpeth.

It is rumoured that he can be enticed into most major towns with a rudimentary trail of haddock skins and walnuts.

James has very long hair, and looks rather sweaty and befuddled in this picture.

James is something of a legend in his home street, as a result of his significant (and growing) collection of infirm squirrels. He is currently the proud owner of no less than seventeen exclusion orders - all obtained by solicitors acting on behalf of the estate of Guinness Book of Records supremo, Norris McWhirter.

Mr Kidd is a very jovial sort of fellow. However, he may have dropped his KFC chip into his beer immediately prior to the taking of this photo.

Robert was unfortunately recently charged with the attempted theft of an inspection tower from Newcastle International Airport, the proceeds of whose sale he intended to put towards the financing of his (currently) ill-fated enterprise to develop a revolutionary variety of self-peeling bananas.

Simon may have been caught unawares when this pic was snapped, as he was probably meant to be doing something else at the time, like preparing artwork or stuff like that.

Simon is something of a celebrity in literary circles, as a result of his recent failed attempt to paraglide naked into the conservatory of "Harry Potter" author J K Rowling. His recent whereabouts are unknown, although it is generally accepted by the intelligence community that his long-held ambition to succeed President Assad of Syria will remain unfulfilled until such time as his allergies to sand, glass and most forms of metal have been cured.